Yeah, it's New Year's Eve. Where am I? Home & hubbyless. Yeah, he's on night shift. No worries though. I'm contented. Getting too old for the wild countdown parties anyway. It would have been nice to have been able to go out on a quiet date with An though. Too bad. There's always New Year's Eve 2011 (yup checked his schedule; he's off that day, hehe).
2010? Good or Bad? Both. Good coz it wasn't as horrid as 2009 but bad coz there were instances when I felt like giving up the fight. I'm slowly accepting the fact that my life will never be problem free. I have ageing parents, an autistic son, a neurotic personality...the list goes on. Still, there is hope. I hope to give my ageing parents the best last few years of their lives and my son the love & support he needs but the neurotic personality part, I've yet to figure out. Sometimes, I can't even understand myself. I can be the nicest, loving, most understanding person at times but at other times, I can be selfish, mean and spiteful. I just hope 2011 will be kinder to me.
Still, I'm not stupid. 2011 is a new year indeed but nothing changes. It's just another day; only the year changes. If I don't change, nothing will.
Let's talk about Fuddin. There's never a day I don't think about how his future will be like; especially when me & An are not around anymore. Believe me, the worst scenarios have been played out in my mind countless times. I am plagued with guilt everytime I go out without him. I feel bad when I am too tired to play with him. I curse myself when I feel embarassed when people look at me when he acts up. Everyday, I look at him and see a beautiful soul; one free of sins, so pure and simple. I know God gave me Fuddin for a reason. I don't and will never regret having him; I just regret not being able to do more for him. I know that there's a better life for him after his time on Earth is up and that thought carries me through another day. Still, being a mother, I cannot help but feel helpless at times when I am unable to "fix" him. Yes, I may appear to many as being strong but deep down , my fears are real. Another year which passes by just marks another year short of being able to take care of him.
Then there's Ayra. My little princess. I worry about her too. The responsibility of taking care of Fuddin when me and An are gone rests on her shoulders. I know it's unfair but we have no choice. All I can offer her now is a beautiful childhood to compensate for what lies ahead. Even now, I can't seem to spend enough time with her. There's so many things I want to do with her but I never seem to have the time nor the energy.
I hope 2011 will be a year where I can really spend quality time with my children. That is something I am going to work hard for in 2011.
As for hubby, I guess the obvious thing to do is to continue to support and love each other. No doubt, we will try to make the marriage a better one this coming new year. We must learn to give in to one another. God knows we have to be strong to face the daunting challenges that await us everyday.
So that's it. My thoughts as 2010 comes to a close. And oh! I almost forgot! Like every single year, I aim to lose 5 kgs! Hehe!
Oh! One last thing! I vow to make this blog a regular blog. Hehe. One with photos and videos and happy moments instead of me going on bout everything. Yeah.
Happy New Year everyone. Forgive your enemies. Love your family & friends. God bless. :)
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