Yeah, it's New Year's Eve. Where am I? Home & hubbyless. Yeah, he's on night shift. No worries though. I'm contented. Getting too old for the wild countdown parties anyway. It would have been nice to have been able to go out on a quiet date with An though. Too bad. There's always New Year's Eve 2011 (yup checked his schedule; he's off that day, hehe).
2010? Good or Bad? Both. Good coz it wasn't as horrid as 2009 but bad coz there were instances when I felt like giving up the fight. I'm slowly accepting the fact that my life will never be problem free. I have ageing parents, an autistic son, a neurotic personality...the list goes on. Still, there is hope. I hope to give my ageing parents the best last few years of their lives and my son the love & support he needs but the neurotic personality part, I've yet to figure out. Sometimes, I can't even understand myself. I can be the nicest, loving, most understanding person at times but at other times, I can be selfish, mean and spiteful. I just hope 2011 will be kinder to me.
Still, I'm not stupid. 2011 is a new year indeed but nothing changes. It's just another day; only the year changes. If I don't change, nothing will.
Let's talk about Fuddin. There's never a day I don't think about how his future will be like; especially when me & An are not around anymore. Believe me, the worst scenarios have been played out in my mind countless times. I am plagued with guilt everytime I go out without him. I feel bad when I am too tired to play with him. I curse myself when I feel embarassed when people look at me when he acts up. Everyday, I look at him and see a beautiful soul; one free of sins, so pure and simple. I know God gave me Fuddin for a reason. I don't and will never regret having him; I just regret not being able to do more for him. I know that there's a better life for him after his time on Earth is up and that thought carries me through another day. Still, being a mother, I cannot help but feel helpless at times when I am unable to "fix" him. Yes, I may appear to many as being strong but deep down , my fears are real. Another year which passes by just marks another year short of being able to take care of him.
Then there's Ayra. My little princess. I worry about her too. The responsibility of taking care of Fuddin when me and An are gone rests on her shoulders. I know it's unfair but we have no choice. All I can offer her now is a beautiful childhood to compensate for what lies ahead. Even now, I can't seem to spend enough time with her. There's so many things I want to do with her but I never seem to have the time nor the energy.
I hope 2011 will be a year where I can really spend quality time with my children. That is something I am going to work hard for in 2011.
As for hubby, I guess the obvious thing to do is to continue to support and love each other. No doubt, we will try to make the marriage a better one this coming new year. We must learn to give in to one another. God knows we have to be strong to face the daunting challenges that await us everyday.
So that's it. My thoughts as 2010 comes to a close. And oh! I almost forgot! Like every single year, I aim to lose 5 kgs! Hehe!
Oh! One last thing! I vow to make this blog a regular blog. Hehe. One with photos and videos and happy moments instead of me going on bout everything. Yeah.
Happy New Year everyone. Forgive your enemies. Love your family & friends. God bless. :)
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
I Survived!
Oh yeah. I'm back. Both the kiddos were sick a few days ago so that prety much explains why I haven't updated.
After 2 days of fever and puking (all over the house) and NOT eating (hehe), my baby boy is back with a vengeance. He's on a roll. He's back to his "I want to be fed right now and if I don't get what I want, I will attack you!" mode so everything's back to normal. LOl. Yup, that's Fuddin for you.
Ayra's also better now. It's so weird coz she can be running like a 39.9 degree celsius fever and she can still function. I would be knocked out totally, huddled in bed, pitying myself to the max. Kids. They're so weird.
Anyway, "I promise this is the last fishing trip" Roshan caught 2 big fishies last night. Hmm, he has like this overnight fishing trip in Malaysia all planned out next April. Cheh. I don't like. I wish I have a hobby that can take me away on overnight trips. Trust me to have the lamest hobbie ever... reading. Maybe I can fly out to an exotic foreign country to read a book? Haha (said with cmuch cynism).
Ok, an update on my diet. I've been eating less but the scale hasn't budged. I think it's the chocolate. Being a choc addict sucks big time. Therefore, I've decided to add another mystery element to the diet - Exercise! Lol. Obvious, right? I figure I can't possible starve everyday and I need my daily dose of chocolates so the most intelligent thing to do is to exercise. I'm proud to proclaim that I did 1500 skips and 150 sit ups today! Woohoo! I also had 2 ferrero rochers, 1 kinder bueno, etc. Haha.
Alright, gonna stop now. Gonna have some quality mother-daugher bonding tomorrow. Me and my baby girl are going... SHOPPING! I can't wait.
Will write soon :)
After 2 days of fever and puking (all over the house) and NOT eating (hehe), my baby boy is back with a vengeance. He's on a roll. He's back to his "I want to be fed right now and if I don't get what I want, I will attack you!" mode so everything's back to normal. LOl. Yup, that's Fuddin for you.
Ayra's also better now. It's so weird coz she can be running like a 39.9 degree celsius fever and she can still function. I would be knocked out totally, huddled in bed, pitying myself to the max. Kids. They're so weird.
Anyway, "I promise this is the last fishing trip" Roshan caught 2 big fishies last night. Hmm, he has like this overnight fishing trip in Malaysia all planned out next April. Cheh. I don't like. I wish I have a hobby that can take me away on overnight trips. Trust me to have the lamest hobbie ever... reading. Maybe I can fly out to an exotic foreign country to read a book? Haha (said with cmuch cynism).
Ok, an update on my diet. I've been eating less but the scale hasn't budged. I think it's the chocolate. Being a choc addict sucks big time. Therefore, I've decided to add another mystery element to the diet - Exercise! Lol. Obvious, right? I figure I can't possible starve everyday and I need my daily dose of chocolates so the most intelligent thing to do is to exercise. I'm proud to proclaim that I did 1500 skips and 150 sit ups today! Woohoo! I also had 2 ferrero rochers, 1 kinder bueno, etc. Haha.
Alright, gonna stop now. Gonna have some quality mother-daugher bonding tomorrow. Me and my baby girl are going... SHOPPING! I can't wait.
Will write soon :)
Monday, December 6, 2010
A Feminist Junk Food Junkie
I love Pringles Potato Chips. Best invention ever. It makes me FAT but I like it and as of midnight tonight, which is 55 minutes away, I'm on a DIET so I'm stuffing my face with all the Pringles I can get my hands on before it's too late. Truth be told, sometimes I think being a woman is a chore. Not only do I need to give birth, I'm expected to take care of the household chores (eventhough I work full time), bleed every month...da di da di da... Yeah, yeah, I know, I know... there are perks in being a woman (What are they again? I really can't think of any now...Serious!). Men don't give two hoots about gaining weight and I'm totally obsessed by it. There is never a day I don't think about losing weight. Urgh!
Oh well. Life's like that. Deal with it.
Anyway, Ayra & the grandparents stayed over at Bibik Linda's house on Saturday night so it was only An, me and Fuddin. We brought him out to Jurong Point and actually managed to buy some stuff from the supermarket! I don't think people realise how stressful it is for parents to bring their autistic child out. We want the kid to have fun, let loose and on the other hand, we're so constrained by all these god damn people who keep staring! Sometimes I feel like hanging a sign on my neck that screams - "Quit staring or I'll let my autistic kid bite your face!" I dunno. Are people really that ignorant? Is it just here in Singapore? Or am I the one with the problem? The truth is I don't really care. Whatever. We'll just keep doing what we think is right. At the end of the day, it's our lives. We dictate who we'll let affect us and who won't, right?
Ok, I'm straying from the topic. Anyway, Fuddin was really well behaved. We were mighty proud of him. Not a tantrum in sight. Bedtime was not as easy though. He was in bed by a quarter to 10 but only fell asleep at 11.15pm. I was overjoyed nonetheless. Sleep time for me! However, at about half past 3, he was wide awake. I was too sleepy to stay awake and watch him. The next thing I knew, Grandma's wardrobe was wide open and he was helping himself to Grandma's new socks. Haha! Trust Fuddin to entertain himself.
Hmm, what else? Oh yah... Ayra's really excited about the Bangkok trip. Keeps talking about the bubble bath in the bath tub! Haha, ya, she's weird like that. An's excited bout all the shopping and me? I'm cool. I have this nagging feeling that I'm gonna be way tired though & I'll miss my baby boy.
I just realised I'm not gonna have like a long break from work during the June or Dec school holidays ever again. That totally sucks. Period.
I think I'm gonna write a book of poetry. A friend of mine has a friend who published her own book of poetry. I wanna do that. It'll be a best seller amongst angst filled women all over the world. It'll personify the deep resentment we women hold against the oppression by the other sex. I'll be famous. Oprah Winfrey will invite me to her talk show. Ellen Degeneres will make me her new BFF. I'll probably get slayed by the PAP for inciting gender riots though and I'll have to disguise myself as a man. Lol. That'll be totally cool.
Yes, I know I'm crapping. I can't help it. There's something not quite right with my head right now. Maybe the absence of all that marking has made me (gasp!) actually think!
I'm gonna go now. Gotta go raid the cabinets for junk food. :)
Oh well. Life's like that. Deal with it.
Anyway, Ayra & the grandparents stayed over at Bibik Linda's house on Saturday night so it was only An, me and Fuddin. We brought him out to Jurong Point and actually managed to buy some stuff from the supermarket! I don't think people realise how stressful it is for parents to bring their autistic child out. We want the kid to have fun, let loose and on the other hand, we're so constrained by all these god damn people who keep staring! Sometimes I feel like hanging a sign on my neck that screams - "Quit staring or I'll let my autistic kid bite your face!" I dunno. Are people really that ignorant? Is it just here in Singapore? Or am I the one with the problem? The truth is I don't really care. Whatever. We'll just keep doing what we think is right. At the end of the day, it's our lives. We dictate who we'll let affect us and who won't, right?
Ok, I'm straying from the topic. Anyway, Fuddin was really well behaved. We were mighty proud of him. Not a tantrum in sight. Bedtime was not as easy though. He was in bed by a quarter to 10 but only fell asleep at 11.15pm. I was overjoyed nonetheless. Sleep time for me! However, at about half past 3, he was wide awake. I was too sleepy to stay awake and watch him. The next thing I knew, Grandma's wardrobe was wide open and he was helping himself to Grandma's new socks. Haha! Trust Fuddin to entertain himself.
Hmm, what else? Oh yah... Ayra's really excited about the Bangkok trip. Keeps talking about the bubble bath in the bath tub! Haha, ya, she's weird like that. An's excited bout all the shopping and me? I'm cool. I have this nagging feeling that I'm gonna be way tired though & I'll miss my baby boy.
I just realised I'm not gonna have like a long break from work during the June or Dec school holidays ever again. That totally sucks. Period.
I think I'm gonna write a book of poetry. A friend of mine has a friend who published her own book of poetry. I wanna do that. It'll be a best seller amongst angst filled women all over the world. It'll personify the deep resentment we women hold against the oppression by the other sex. I'll be famous. Oprah Winfrey will invite me to her talk show. Ellen Degeneres will make me her new BFF. I'll probably get slayed by the PAP for inciting gender riots though and I'll have to disguise myself as a man. Lol. That'll be totally cool.
Yes, I know I'm crapping. I can't help it. There's something not quite right with my head right now. Maybe the absence of all that marking has made me (gasp!) actually think!
I'm gonna go now. Gotta go raid the cabinets for junk food. :)
Thursday, December 2, 2010
A Roller Coaster Ride
Yeah, not the real sort but the one that deals with feelings. Started the month on a teary note. Just got too much for me to handle but me being me, I had a good cry and got back on track. Relationships, all sorts, are hard to maintain. You try to please some at the expense of peeving some others. Why is life so difficult?
I guess the only thing is to keep going and to hold on to belief that if you are a good person, good things might happen to you. I'm not looking for a perfect life coz I know that will never happen. Not to me or anyone else for that matter. All I'm looking for is the courage to face the challenges in life and to be able to say to myself at the end of each day that hey, I did alright today. That is all I am looking forward. Still, at times, I can't even seem to do even that. Is it me? Do I thrive on misery? Haha. Sounds rather sadistic but sometimes I wonder if it's true.
Well, enough self pity. Life goes on and whether I like it or not, I have to move with the flow. I have responsibilities to fulfill. Thus, my self pitying days are numbered. What keeps me sane (& drives me crazy at the same time!) is my family, especially my 2 little munchkins.
Uh huh. These 2. Haha. Fuddin, despite his tendency to bite, scream, make a mess & basically make me a maid, is still and always will be, the most beautiful boy in the world. He drives me up the wall at times but looking at him, my maternal instincts just take over and all I wanna do is protect and make him happy. And Ayra, what can I say? She is an extension of me. The similarities between us can be rather startling at times. She is my precious baby.
Then there's the other one. Uh huh. Yeah, him. I love him. He knows it. He loves me. I know it. At the end of the day, that's all that matters. The sacrifices we both make are a testament of our love. E'nuf said.
Why so reflective today (or the youngsters will say, "Cher, why so emo?")? I dunno. God knows.
Ok, rather than going on and making everyone depressed, I'd stop now. The next post will be a happier one. This Energizer bunny just needs a recharge, that's all. Ain't nothing to worry bout. :)
I guess the only thing is to keep going and to hold on to belief that if you are a good person, good things might happen to you. I'm not looking for a perfect life coz I know that will never happen. Not to me or anyone else for that matter. All I'm looking for is the courage to face the challenges in life and to be able to say to myself at the end of each day that hey, I did alright today. That is all I am looking forward. Still, at times, I can't even seem to do even that. Is it me? Do I thrive on misery? Haha. Sounds rather sadistic but sometimes I wonder if it's true.
Well, enough self pity. Life goes on and whether I like it or not, I have to move with the flow. I have responsibilities to fulfill. Thus, my self pitying days are numbered. What keeps me sane (& drives me crazy at the same time!) is my family, especially my 2 little munchkins.
Then there's the other one. Uh huh. Yeah, him. I love him. He knows it. He loves me. I know it. At the end of the day, that's all that matters. The sacrifices we both make are a testament of our love. E'nuf said.
Why so reflective today (or the youngsters will say, "Cher, why so emo?")? I dunno. God knows.
Ok, rather than going on and making everyone depressed, I'd stop now. The next post will be a happier one. This Energizer bunny just needs a recharge, that's all. Ain't nothing to worry bout. :)
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